Happy Valentine’s Day! I’ve just spent the morning picking out old carrot chunks from the sink, which is a great metaphor for how I feel about this day really. A bit sick of it all. (It was the remnants of Ben’s red wine gravy he made last night in case you were wondering.)
This will be my fifth Valentine’s Day as a single woman, but to be honest, even before then, when I was with someone, I don’t remembering him ever bothering that much, at least not in the latter part of our relationship. I think I got a card in the first few years, but then that’s when we were in love. Anyway, enough of him, and then, and back to now.
I’m annoyingly romantic, not in the sense of big gestures, although hun, if you want to take me to Paris for the weekend, fill your boots … but I do believe in love, and I do believe in romantic gestures to show someone you love them. I just don’t happen to believe you should only do them once a year, when ‘someone’ (Clintons) deems you should. And the thing is, the BIG THING is, I’m really happy and comfortable being single. As much as it would be nice to have a special someone in my life … although technically I already do, me haha … it will come, or not, and I don’t really think there’s much I can do about that.
But I’m at peace with my singledom. Love can’t be forced. I can’t make someone like me, or send me a card, or even get past three dates. But I’m honestly at peace with it. The thing that upsets me about Valentine’s Day is the thought that other people are made to feel a bit shit for being single. Unloved, or unwanted. That’s just not really very Hallmark is it? So I just wanted to say that if you are feeling a bit rubbish today, because you’re bombarded with reminders that you’re single, and every other git isn’t, then come and talk to me. I’m always online in some capacity, so if you’re feeling a little blue about it all, just ping me a message. And we can talk about men, or anything but. I can tell you my best (worst) joke, or we can have my monthly ‘shall I have a fringe?’ debate. Or we can talk about food. Oooh … what would your death row meal be, that’s a favourite.
My point is, I’m sure Valentine’s Day is wonderful for a lot of people, but there’s nothing more wonderful than friendship and not being made to feel alone. So I see you. I’m here. It’s just one day. And you are loved. I know a lot of incredible women that are single, that are messed around by f**kboys as much as I am, that won’t settle, that won’t put up with the nonsense that is constantly being churned out on Tinder. (Case in point, the story about Chef Freddo.) So I’m in good company.
As for me, I’m balls deep in a work project and it’s killing me, so I’m a bit head down/arse up for the month of February until I get it finished. But work aside, today won’t be any different when it comes to how I live my life. I’m a big believer in, and I hope this has always come across, being my number one fan, so I do try and look after myself, treat myself if I want, make good food, buy the dress, eat the cake, watch an entire series of Married at First Sight on my laptop until 2am even though I have work at 7, and have that mentality that I don’t need a man, or a ‘special’ day to tell me I’m worthy. That has been a massive project, to change my way of thinking to this, but I think I’m there. A lot of my self worth has always been tied up in what a man thinks of me. If a man wants me, then I’m worthy and attractive. If he doesn’t, then I’m neither of those things. So finally, in my mid-40s, I’ve realised that I’m a good person and deserving of everything … I will never again need validation from a bloke to tell me that.
Like I say, I’m a work in progress – who wouldn’t want a big bunch of flowers, but life is so much bigger than that. So much more important. I have the greatest context in the world, I lost the person I loved the most, and I’ve been to the darkest place you could be, and I survived, and so a bunch of flowers from a bloke is a drop in the ocean really.
I’m rambling, as per, just felt the need to write something today. And to those of you who are lucky enough to be in love, and be loved, I sincerely hope you are spoilt today. But not just today, every day, because you deserve it, you are worth it.