Hi everyone, how are you? Wanted to touch base and just say hello really. So hello.
My head has been in such a (sort of organised) jumble lately. I lost one of my clients, it just came to a natural end, so I’ve been frantically trying to secure more work to cover that shortfall. Luckily, a good friend came to the rescue with a project for February that has saved my bacon. But I’ve been trying to focus on that, submitting my own tax return because I can’t afford my accountant, having to grit my teeth and borrow money to pay it and well … January has just felt like one long battle if I’m honest. Has it for you?
On the upside, it’s February tomorrow! And we all made it through the longest month in history, but looking at this quick photo I took, I can see what an effect the stress has had on me. I’m so tired. I haven’t slept well all month and it’s been a combination of factors. Night sweats that I think I’ve cured, at least for now, by taking sage tablets every day … can highly recommend them if you’re menopausal. I don’t know if I am as I’m still waiting to speak to my consultant, but at least I’m not a hot sweaty mess at 4am anymore. I’ve had parent’s evening to contend with … he’s easily distracted apparently, don’t know where he gets that from, oooh I just found a pound. I’ve gone through Dexter’s GCSE options with him, driven to Manchester and back and had a sickness bug.
I’ve applied for jobs I’m technically over-qualified for, and not even been offered an interview. I’ve spent hours chasing money I’m owed for work I completed on time. I injured myself at the gym so God knows if I’ve put weight on, but it’s been the least of my worries. I’ve gone back to listening to my Thinking Slimmer slimpods and that’s kept my eating under control, for the most part. Oh God and I can’t even begin to tell you about the amount of f**kboys I’ve had to deal with that have come crawling out of the woodwork. BAMO (Block And Move On) has been employed on more than five occasions this month.
Mum has been on my mind too. I mean she’s always on my mind in one way or another but I’ve heard a lot of sad stories recently about peoples’ mums dying and it breaks my heart because I know exactly what they’re going to have to go through. I don’t visit Mum’s grave often, never feel the need if I’m honest, but yesterday I did … I was drawn there. And as I looked for her plaque in the ground, I couldn’t see it at first as it was so covered in muddy, wet leaves. So I think she just got me up there to clean it up. 😀 But my grief for her comes in waves and I don’t know if it’s because I feel particularly overwhelmed right now, but I’m feeling her absence.
I’m sorry for the moan, it seems as if the entire month has been a shower of shit. It hasn’t. I had three (whole) dates with a guy I really liked and I know that doesn’t seem a lot, but it is for me. I opened up a lot to him and showed some vulnerability, all part of my healing process I think. I haven’t heard from him in a while and I think it’s come to a natural end. Maybe my openness put him off, or maybe he just changed his mind, but either way, I do wish men would just be honest about these things. If he doesn’t want to see me, cool … just tell me.
And my eldest stayed for his birthday week and it was lovely! I took him for lunch in Whitstable – Samphire restaurant was beautiful if you ever get the chance to go, I might do a full review on the food we had actually, it was awesome – and I cried like a baby when he left because I don’t really know if Empty Nest Syndrome ever goes away, but it hits me harder at some times than others. But it was lovely having him at home, so I’m grateful for that. I hope he won’t mind me sneaking this cheeky photo of him in!
I don’t think I’m destined for an easy life. #Understatement. I always feel like I’m always being challenged by one thing or another, but I do try and find the positives in life if I can. I often go a bit Noel Edmonds and ‘put my hopes and wishes out to the universe’ in the hope that it delivers, and sometimes it does, but you can’t give up hope can you? The evenings are lighter, there are plenty more fish in the sea and even if I can’t rely on a fella, there’s always Netflix. That will never leave me!