Hello! Another week nearly done and I’m being very organised today and writing this early as I’m off to my local beer festival today! (Except, I went, got drunk, danced in the rain and have only just remembered to publish it.) Completely not diet-friendly, but let’s just say, it’s not been the healthiest of weeks food-wise.
Where do I start? Mood-wise, a little up and down, but my sleeping has got better and I put that down to therapy again. I had another session on Thursday and slept like a baby that night. Oh, and ear plugs. Those damn dogs two doors away are still driving me crazy and rather than do the mature thing and have it out with the owners, I’m trying to deal with it in other ways. Not good, not good at all. But I’m just not a fan of confrontation, it makes me feel quite sick when I think about confronting someone, even if I’m in the right. Hey, I’m a lover not a fighter. Having said that, of course, if someone hurts one of my babies, I am an action LIONESS and will fight to the death, but generally, I like a quiet life. Literally.
(We always have date night in castles, don’t you?)
I digress, so my mood has been OK. Struggling a little with motivation and concentration but that’s part of PTSD apparently, and some of the things I’m coming to terms with, and my next session will be focusing on goals, and thinking about what I want in the long run. Quite how I’ve got to the gym four times this week, I don’t know. Seriously, it’s taken all my will to get there, but when I’m there I’m OK. Although I noticed this week that because I’ve put weight on (more of that in a minute) my body confidence has dropped significantly. It’s amazing what a difference it makes, and I really don’t like it.
So, what’s really gone on? I’ve eaten a lot of shit, that’s what. And as I type this, I’m wondering whether I’m only just now realising what I’ve been doing. Therapy is bringing up all sorts of feelings and don’t get me wrong, we don’t talk about what happened, moreover what feelings I have now and how to deal with them, but it can be pretty emotional. And I wonder whether I’ve got back into the bad habit of eating crap for several reasons:
- I’m regressing. I’m going back two steps in order to move forward one. Therefore, I’m eating how I used to eat.
- I’m trying to suppress the feelings that are rising to the surface, but squashing them down with food. In hindsight, it’s what I used to do.
- Lacking motivation (which as I would hope you know, really isn’t like me at all), and it means I’ve got lazy- I’m reaching for Doritos instead of salmon. Hell, I haven’t eaten halloumi this week!
That all being said, I’ve recognised what I’ve done, and am addressing it, firstly by not buying it anymore. If it’s not here, I won’t eat it. I haven’t listened to my Slimpod all week. I haven’t drunk enough water. I’m driving instead of cycling. In fact, the wake-up call came when my eldest son, who has been home from uni all week, took my shopping out of the bag for me. Doritos, cashews, a big Reese’s chocolate bar, Fruitella and Minstrels. And the look of disappointment on his face killed me. I know he’s been really proud of how well I’ve done so far, he’s told me so, and as he unpacked that shit, he gave me a bit of a pep talk/kick up the bum. He said not to stop now, that I’ve done so well, and that I’ve inspired him to lose weight. Basically, to wake the f*ck up and get my act together.
So that’s what I’m trying to do. He’s about to start training as a chef, and is a great cook already, and with my lack of motivation this week, it’s been lovely having him cook for me towards the end of the week. I haven’t had anyone cook for me at home in five years, so it meant more to me than just eating good food, it was someone showing me that they loved me, and it was priceless. Oh, and the pork, broccoli and coriander rice dish he made last night was incredible.
Farewell dinner cooked by my eldest tonight as he has now left to start the next chapter in his life – living with his girlfriend and her family, and starting his first full-time job. I will miss him so much, for a myriad of reasons, but one of them definitely being not eating meals like this again! This was pork in soy sauce, chilli, honey and garlic, coriander rice and chilli tenderstem broccoli. I think he’s going to make the most fabulous chef!
So that’s where I’m at. I’ve felt incredibly bloated all week, no doubt because of the rubbish I’ve put in my body, and that has had a knock-on effect of feeling rubbish and not caring that much about anything. So it has to be nipped in the bud. That’s what I’m doing, after the beer festival that is!
I know the scales are only one indication of how you’re doing on a weight loss journey but I felt it was important to see how much damage I’d done this week, and as tough as it was standing on the scales, it was important to me so that I could start again. And I’ve put 3lbs on. Not the end of the world, but it goes to show how quickly you can end up at square one if you take your eye off the ball. Quite scary isn’t it? And that’s with me eating some healthy meals and going to the gym four times. But I’ve had two burgers, a Thai meal for date night, two muffins as well as chocolate and crisps, so it’s no wonder I’ve put weight on.
I feel like I’ve let myself down if I’m honest. I know a fair few people read this blog and look to me to show them how to lose weight, but I really messed up this week. I hope things improve, but I won’t sugar coat anything. What I write here is what has happened and how I feel, so I hope you aren’t disappointed in me too much. So in order to be accountable, here are some things I’m going to do this week:
- Not buy any sweets or crisps.
- Get to the gym at least four times.
- Cook healthy dinners for Dexter and myself every single day.
- Start listening to my Slimpod again as I’ve neglected it this week.
- Start cycling to the gym again, instead of driving.
Over and out for now – please do follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and I’ll see you next week, and if you’re interested in learning more about the Thinking Slimmer download I listen to every night (apart from this week clearly!), you can find more information HERE.