It’s Monday afternoon, and I’m currently sweating one out in the lounge. And as attractive as a vision as that is, I’m really rather quite revolting today. I went camping all weekend, but when I got home last night, my eldest and his girlfriend were home for the week, so I caught up with them, and then there was unpacking, last-minute emergency washing of Dexter’s school uniform, a kebab run, and then I was too exhausted to have a bath. #GrubLife
(EDIT: Sorry the post is late, I just went to Bluewater to take Dexter to the cinema tonight, and lost five hours of my life to some apes.)
Anyway, how are you all? I do love our catch-ups, because even though they appear one-way (because they kinda are), it feels like I’m just talking to my friends, or with some of you, my surrogate mums. As for me, I’m doing OK. I had my first session of CBT last week and they confirmed a diagnosis of PTSD. It’s something I already knew, but when she showed me an article listing the classic symptoms of it, everything fell into place and I burst into tears. It explained exactly why I’ve been feeling the way I’ve been feeling lately and I won’t lie, it was a massive relief. It doesn’t change anything overnight, but we now know what we’re dealing with and some form of therapy can begin. I know it’s probably a little confusing for you when I only allude to things in my past, but it’s not something I want to go over really in detail, but suffice to say, right here, right now … I feel OK. But as you know, I do take one day at a time, and today, with both of my boys at home with me, it’s a good day.
(Some meals I’ve eaten this week. Scotch egg and chips on date night, which he thought was really weird as the eggs were a starter, but I thought it was genius. Then steak, halloumi and a little pasta and eggs on one small flatbread for breakfast.)
Apart from being a massive grub after the weekend (although I should point out, I did actually shower whilst I was there, honest,) the weekend was fab. We went to the same campsite again in Crowborough and although we didn’t have great weather on Saturday, we have finally sorted out the bed situation! You can catch up on my other camping posts HERE and HERE. So we now have TWO blow-up airbeds and they fit perfectly in the bedroom, so it’s one massive bed. Which means that when one person moves during the night, it doesn’t disturb the other person. Unless, of course, one wants to be disturbed, if you get my drift!
Now, I had intended to create a recipe that I could easily cook whilst al-fresco, something interesting, healthy and tasty, especially considering I should be watching my weight. Instead, I cooked burgers, sausages and bacon. That’s it. BUT … they were the BEST burgers, sausages in a roll, and bacon sandwiches you will have ever eaten. For three reasons:
- Cooking outdoors is not the same as cooking in a small, stuffy kitchen at all. It’s (almost) a pleasure.
- Cooking whilst camping means that I don’t have to do the washing up.
- They just tasted nicer eating them outside. I don’t know why or how, but they do.
We bought the best quality meat from M&S we could, so the meat content vs. fat ratio was high:low, meaning better tasting meals. OK, so I’m not going to get on Masterchef any time soon, but that camping stove was brilliant. Because it’s got two hobs, I boiled the kettle alongside cooking the food. I made a little table out of the lid of the coolbox, and my boyfriend was on butter spreading duty … as well as topping up my Bucks Fizz! I loved every second of my weekend, apart from the bit where we had to come home.
I’ve just looked back in my diary at things I may have got up to last week that you’d find mildly interesting, and it goes like this:
- Monday – see the Dr about my phantom cycle which, typically, has settled down this month.
- Tuesday – half a leg wax (on both legs I should say, not just one) which hurt like an absolute biatch.
- Wednesday – my first CBT session (which I’ve mentioned above) which not only made me cry a lot, but it also meant having to go to Chatham, which known locally as the Beirut of Kent.
- Friday – my niece’s graduation at my old university, which was the most loveliest of lovely days. (She got a First in Maths!)
And that was about it, until the weekend. Oh, I did get to the gym four times, which I was really proud of, and although, as I write this on Monday, I feel like an absolute bloated heifer, I had some good sessions, and am particularly proud of how the bootay is coming along. Squats are BAE.
One thing I did want to say is I feel like I’ve gone into maintenance mode. I can see from logging my weight each week that I’m not losing a great deal and it’s yo-yo’ing, and I’ve been thinking a lot about it. And here’s what I’ve come up with. Bear with me. As you know, I’ve had a lot to deal with lately. Job and money pressures, and the stuff with my ex in particular, and I remember saying to you that there’s only so much headspace any one person has, and sometimes something has to give. Well I think that subconsciously, I’m doing the bear minimum when it comes to losing weight and exercising so that it’s just enough to ensure that I don’t put all that weight back on, but it’s not quite enough to ensure that I’m losing steadily like I was. Ergo, maintenance mode. And saying it out loud has given me some peace. I’ve been on the treadmill of losing weight for 80 weeks now, over 18 months, and yes, it’s a bit of a rollercoaster, but at the moment it’s quite steady, and that’s OK. Eighteen months is a long time, and for the first time in my life, I’ve lost weight and I haven’t put it all back on.
This is what life is going to be like when I eventually lose the rest of my weight, for the rest of my life … trying to maintain a healthy weight and not put it all back on. It’s like my head has decided that I needed a bit of a breather to re-set and come again. I don’t know when I’m going to feel in the right place to dedicate 100% of my attention to losing weight again, but strange as it may sound, I’m happy where I am right now. I just need to re-focus, and that’s something I’m gearing up to do.
With that in mind, I didn’t do an official weigh-in two weeks ago, but I did weigh myself last Monday, and then again last Saturday, so that’s 5 days’ worth of eating well/training hard.
So, based on those 5 days, I’ve lost 0.8kg, which equates to 1.75lbs. Which is still roughly a total of 4 stones lost.
So yeah, yo-yo’ing like a mofo, which must be incredibly boring to read, but it’s life. It’s just how I am right now. I wish I could say I could be 100% dedicated to losing weight but at the moment, I’m just about getting by, and that’ll have to do.