If you’re a regular reader, you will have seen me mention the Thinking Slimmer Slimpod download I’ve listened to throughout my …. yes, my journey. I’m not sponsored by them, I’ve never been asked to promote them, but I’m a huge fan so that’s why I mention them sometimes.
Anyway, they have a FB group, and a weekly chat that I joined in with last night. I haven’t been in there for ages, but gave the founder of Thinking Slimmer an update on my weight loss as we haven’t spoken for a while, and I shared with her this photo (if you follow me on FB, you will have seen me share it there too – excuse dodgy face/hair combo):
She said, “Wow, you have a waist!” And I instinctively replied, “Yes, it’s been in hibernation I think, a little like me.”
I’ve been playing that mini conversation over in my head all morning. I’ve been lucky enough to have received some really lovely compliments from people lately when I’ve shared blog posts or photos. People saying I look happy, younger, fitter. That I look lovely in my new, sunshine yellow shoes. That I’ve got great legs. Things that I, obviously, absolutely love hearing, who wouldn’t? But equally, it feels like they’re, you’re, talking about someone else.
I was in hibernation for years. I share the same ‘before’ photos of me on the blog because I have so few photos of me. I hated the camera, couldn’t bear for people to look me in the eye, let alone take a photo of me, and always found myself looking at the ground when I was out in public. That’s what being in an abusive relationship does to you. It strips you of everything. Of your self-esteem. Your confidence. Your trust in everyone, and especially of yourself.
My point is that what people see now is who I always was. Before. It’s just that I’ve been in a self-imposed hibernation. No, an imposed-upon-me hibernation. I feel like I now remember who I used to be and I think that’s what is now shining through. Knowing I can be myself, do what I want, be who I want, with no fear of any repercussions. I can’t begin to tell you how truly exhilarating that is! And it’s only what I, and every other person, deserves isn’t it? To be who they really are without fear.
I bought yellow high-heeled sandals this week, something I would never have done before. I’m wearing the shortest dress in history on a date tonight. I highly suspect I’ll be up to no good in a random Kent field this weekend. These are the things that make me happy and I don’t care that I’m approaching my 47th birthday because for the first time in years, I like who I am.
My life is far from perfect, and I’m going through a lot of stress at the moment with regards to my ex, BUT … I’ll be damned if I’m going to let it … him crush me again. Nope. Nope. Nope. Never again.
The point of this post, apart from me just spouting verbal diarrhoea, as per, is to just give you a little insight into my somewhat silly Instagram photos. My Facebook posts where I’m chatting about what dress to buy. Moaning about how I can’t walk in my new sunshine shoes. Because underneath all that frivolity and shallowness is a back-story that I think is important to occasionally mention. Just for context. It’s important for me to remind myself of where I was, and where I am and how far I’ve come and if I can encourage just one person to find the strength and courage to leave a bad relationship, it’s worth it.
I’d honestly hate for anyone to look at me posing in a mirror and think, ‘Who does she think she is?’ because for the first time in a long time, I can look in the mirror and I like what I see. I don’t have to look over my shoulder anymore.
My sunshine shoes are pretty amazing. I can’t walk in them mind you, but that’s just a minor point isn’t it?