How nice was it having a sunny weekend?! I can’t believe the difference it makes … I mean yes, I ‘may’ have a red semi-circle on my chest now where I didn’t ahem, cream up, but I promise to be more careful next time.

 

Ooh this week was a proper tale of two halves. The first half I didn’t get out of bed because I had the flu, and then the second half I was playing catch-up with everything, including getting an emergency appointment at the dentist because my bloody tooth extraction is causing me more aggro now it’s not there than when it was! I have an infection, so am on antibiotics. Of course, the first thing I said to the pharmacist was, “Please tell me these aren’t the ones you can’t drink on,” and thankfully they weren’t. Priorities and all that.

 

My mood has understandably been up and down. I’ve felt quite low lately, as I think may have come across on here, and I know of a few reasons why … (the lack of money / too much work / not enough time / single parenting stress cycle I feel I’m always in), but it has felt a little different to that. Having to miss out on a trip to Madrid I’d paid for last year was annoying (I couldn’t afford to pay for accommodation or food, so had to let the flights go), but in the scheme of things, I can’t grumble really.

 

But I am going to, at least just a bit. I have had depression before, so I know what a dark place that is, and that’s not how I feel now, but I think sometimes I feel like I am not really allowed to ever feel down, at least not say it out loud, because I have such a lovely life, especially compared to what it used to be like. I catch myself feeling really low and then try hard to slap myself out of it because on the face of it, what’s there to feel low about? I have a job (well, four), beautiful, healthy children and a roof over our heads. I’m safe, comfortable, secure. Yes, I’m overweight and middle-aged but that’s not the end of the world.

 

I don’t quite know what it is. I think maybe I feel a general anxiousness about the world that I never used to feel, and it’s unsettling. Do you feel the same? Like you have no control over what is happening ‘out there’ and it just seems to magnify the little anxieties I have about my own little micro world. I’m waffling, and I’m OK, and if I am ever not OK, I think I know what to do and who to speak to, so please don’t worry. I just need to say these things out loud here so my brain has recognised what is going on.

 

So that’s that.

 

Being poorly these week has meant my carb consumption has gone up ‘slightly’ (a lot), but I haven’t gone crazy. I’ve just been too weak to cook proper healthy meals for the most part and so may have partaken in the occasional bacon sandwich, or four. I also went out for dinner with my brother and his family on Thursday, which was lovely, but this happened:

 

knickerbocker glory

 

Gym-wise, nothing Monday or Tuesday, just rested in bed – attempted a leg session on Wednesday night, which went well all things considered, a lovely bike ride on Thursday morning via the council-run scheme, which resulted in 14 miles ridden that day. But the weather was glorious, I met some new people, got some fresh air and even though my bum and legs ached for days afterwards (REMEMBER THE PADDED SHORTS KATE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!), it was so worth it. It was as much me attempting to feed my soul as grow my quads if I’m honest, and being out in the fresh air always does that.

 

medway council bike ride

 

Friday – a gentle Pilates class, but with a new instructor who used small, inflatable rubber balls within her class, so that was … interesting. There was a point where you had to put it in the small of your back, and then raise your legs off the floor. I was convinced I’d burst the ball and be mortified, but thankfully I didn’t. It was quite a core-centric class, which is just what I needed, and I came out feeling 10” taller.

 

And then the weekend came a little early. I drove over to see my new friend, and there may have been a kebab in the car incident (involving burger sauce and onion in my cleavage – accidental I should point out, not part of some weird kinky thing I suddenly found out he’s into – phew), and vodka, and a beer (I think) and then brunch the next morning, and a walk around his home town, and another beer in the beer garden, and then home … to get ready to go out with my best friend, and more vodka, and a burger and chips.

 

tonbridge castle

 

brunch

(YES, I DOUBLE SAUSAGED)

 

And that brings you up to date, where I’m sat on the bed typing this at 9am, wondering whether to go to the gym or not to sweat out all that burger sauce. I’m on the fence right now, and it could go either way if I’m honest. (EDIT: I went, and had a lovely 3 mile bike ride before the gym to clear my head.)

 

bike ride

 

RESULTS:

 

I had to weigh in a day early, I’ve not been to the gym much and food hasn’t been on point at all … and I put on 0.75lb. Barely worth mentioning and I think that bike ride managed to pull it back for me a bit. Annoying I’ve put weight on, as it’s the first time in two months, but Christ, it’s minute, and not the end of the world – it will come off next week. So still a total weight loss of just over 4 stones, and I will NOT be going backwards now. I am determined to carry on what I’ve started, as complicated as life gets, as sad as I sometimes feel, because for me, I just can’t go back to who I was a year ago. It’s not always easy to remain positive and focused, but I do try to … and you’ll often find me pottering around the house talking to myself, saying, “Come on Kate, you can do it!” Which is perfectly normal right? But when you have negative voices in your head saying, “Look at that fat stomach,” or, “Just eat the cake,” it’s really important to drown them out with positive mantras. So yes, I look a tit when I say them, but they do work. 

 

healthy lifestyle

 

It would be lovely to see you on Facebook, Twitter and/or Instagram, and in the meantime, I hope you enjoyed the sunshine, and if you’re interested in learning more about the Thinking Slimmer download I listen to every night, you can find more information HERE.

 

kate sutton

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Published by Kate Sutton

Writer, Mother, Dater.

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5 Comments

  1. Kate – I notice you were in Tonbridge (where I live at the moment). There is a LOVELY bike ride from Tonbridge to Penshurst Place which is lovely. It’s about 6 miles there and 6 back and I really recommend it! Did it a few weeks ago with my boyfriend (I’m a real novice). It’s 99% off road and goes through glorious countryside. At the end is Penshurst Place – didn’t have time to go in but had a nice coffee in the cafe before heading back.

    Also – I disagree with you. You absolutely are allowed to have down days and low moods, even if not as bad as before and even if things in your life are ‘good’ in other people’s eyes. It’s part of life and normal and you will get out of it 🙂 It’s good you’re looking on the positive side but don’t be too hard on yourself for feeling low because it’s something everything goes through.

    Keep up the good work – love your blogs!

    1. Oh Billie, you’re so kind! Thank you. Funnily enough, I was there again today, and we drove to Penshurst for beer and saw ALL the cyclists – so we were trying to figure out a way to do that exact route! It’s so funny you should mention it. I’m going to look into it, but thanks for the support and tips x

  2. I can relate to how you feel about being down. When you’ve had depression those down days can feel like a bit of a threshold – do you accept the feeling and risk sinking further, or do you deny it and try to shake it off? I used to be terrified of being anything less than ok, and even more so about admitting it (certain people in my life would panic if I seemed down, which made it even worse). But you’re human, we aren’t programmed to be in one mindset. Sometimes life is a bit shit, and it’s healthier to acknowledge that than try to bury it. I hope you feel better soon, and that life cuts you some slack.
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