I feel all out of sorts. That’s such an old fashioned saying isn’t it, but it sums up how I feel perfectly at the moment. And annoyingly, I can’t quite put my finger on what’s up. It’s been brewing for a weeks now, so I thought I’d turn to you, strangers on the internet, for advice.

 

(Although you’re not really stranger strangers of course.)

 

I mentioned last week I’m off my food and not eating enough calories (apart from Saturdays, where I have the opposite problem.) I have little focus, I can’t concentrate and I just feel quite anxious a lot of the time. I’m getting my work done but with a lot less gusto than usual (it might surprise you to hear I actually really love my jobs) and so if I’m lacking enthusiasm, it’s worrying. I’m doing what I need to at the gym, but again, with a lot less energy than a month ago, and I ruddy love the gym!

 

There are a few things concerning me. The main one is lack of money. I’ve had to cancel a trip to Madrid next week (three days with Dexter – I got the flights in the sale) because I can’t afford to pay for accommodation or food, and I’ve had to let him down. I know it’s a massive luxury to have your Mum take you on a trip to Spain over half term, but I feel like a massive shit for letting him down. He’ll survive of course, but it sucks.

 

The new man friend situation. I don’t really want to talk about it here but suffice to say, with it being early days, and the first ‘relationship’ in any form I’ve had since my ex, I’m struggling. Struggling to relax with it, struggling to not let demons of the past take over my head and ruin things before they’ve even begun. And most of all, struggling not to think the worst all the time. I know it’s natural, and I’m actually doing better than I thought I would do, but I can’t help but feel like a fraud. That whole ‘why would anyone want me?’ feeling you’re left with deep down in the pit of your soul when you are free of an abusive relationship. And the question that keeps popping up in my head is, ‘will I ever be free?’ It’s something I’m trying hard to work through, but I don’t know what the answer is and I really don’t want to be one of those people that needs constant reassurance. I’m not needy by nature, never have been, and I don’t intend to start now, but that does mean digging deep and finding just one little iota of strength I might have left to figure it out.

 

I’m missing my eldest. He’s 22 and doing exactly what I’ve raised him to do, be independent and live his own life, so I’ve done a great job, if I say so myself, but Jesus, Mary and Joseph … it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. Him going away for a term or two was one thing, but I knew he’d be home to visit – and now the end of his degree is approaching, and I know he’s never coming back to Kent to live, honestly, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to cope with. And of course, I have to cope with it on my own, so it’s doubly hard. I rang the council today to tell them Ben wasn’t living here anymore and ending up telling the poor woman on the other end of the phone my life story and how I was suffering from a severe case of empty nest syndrome. Thankfully, she didn’t hang up, but said she knew exactly how I felt because she was going through it too – it was like I was meant to get that operator, at that exact time, because it made me feel a little less alone.

 

And I think fundamentally, perhaps that’s what I feel, alone. My man-friend joked and said, “Do you actually have any other friends other than Jo (my best friend)?” And I do. Online and in real life, and they’re wonderful, but I just have one best friend. And a man-friend, who I don’t see very often. But a lot of the time, I feel incredibly lonely. I think perhaps it’s a 21st century phenomenon amongst a lot of people, and ironically, I know I’m not alone in feeling … alone, but it’s tough.

 

I don’t know what will happen with this new friendship but it has taught me one thing – my anxieties and baggage aside, I’m ready, willing (and capable, I think), of falling in love again. I yearn for a deep connection with someone and perhaps that’s why I feel lonely, because I don’t have it yet.

 

As a 46-year-old woman, it’s weird to sit here and type that I’m lonely isn’t it? But it goes a long way to explaining why I feel so unsettled at the moment. And I’m hoping that by saying it out loud and recognising it, I can make peace with it because I really do have a great, imperfect life. I’m skint, tired and a little bit stressed with the world right now. My round belly apron isn’t shrinking like I want it to and I keep catching sight of the bastard thing in the mirror. My car tax is due and I can’t pay it. And to top it all off, I ran out of Creme Eggs tonight (could explain the belly situ.) But I’ve lived through worse. A lot worse. So I know it’ll be OK.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

kate sutton

(Visited 815 time, 1 visit today)

Published by Kate Sutton

Writer, Mother, Dater.

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8 Comments

  1. Kate, yet again you are writing my life. I don’t have the kids, but I was gutted over mothers day and not being able to afford to make the fuss of her I want to or that she deserves since my shit of an ex husband upped and left last year. I started dating in January, but my head is still tied in with old stuff, wondering about the insecurities the ex left me with (he wasn’t physically abusive but the mental scars after he cheated are hard to shake) but also comparing how things were with my ex at 3months in, he was declaring his love constantly and we were planning moving in together, in thid relationship not so.

    And loneliness…. it gets me when I least expect it. Odd things too. When my back was mega sore and I was walking home to empty house knowing I had to struggle to drag the wheelie bin out, I was blinking back tears. I haven’t laid in bed doing nothing on a weekend morning because I can’t just lie in bed alone, it feels weird. So I sit on the sofa doing what I probably would havw if I was in bed, napping, phone and crap t.v.

    1. Aaaah Emma, bless your heart … I’m sorry you can relate so much lol! I could say, it’ll get better, and there are positives to think about in life, but we know that don’t we? Sometimes we just want to have a moan about shitty exes and empty houses. About no-one being able to help us when we’re in pain – I wrote about how my back went and I couldn’t get off the sofa and had to shout to Dexter, who was thankfully home, to get the gin ASAP (we’d just moved house and I couldn’t find the painkillers) so I know how tough it is. The one thing that does help, and I hope it’s something you hold onto too, is that look at how much better off we are without our exes in our lives? Imagine if we were still with them?! And they were STILL doing all those horrible things. We got out, and for that I’m grateful. But you’re not alone, and I’M not alone, and we will be OK. I think Mother’s Day triggered this particular mood for me – it’s full of such emotion isn’t it? You’ll find your way in life as I will … but I guess this is the important bit isn’t it? The journey not the destination! Haha did I really just say that lol. Sending lots of love xx

  2. Have read what you have written and taken it onboard now may be you should think of what you had written and turn it upside down by writing the positives to it and not the negatives

    1. Hi Carole. Well I could do that … but sometimes, you just have to let all of the negative stuff out and talk about that, and only that. I have ‘solutions’ for everything most of the time, but I couldn’t sleep last night and this was weighing heavy on my mind. I wrote all my thoughts out, and they were all negative last night, and slept like a baby 🙂 I may write a post about the positive things in my life, for which I’m grateful, but I may just leave it as it was – a late night mind dump. The thing is, there’s no one at home to listen to my thoughts, so they have to go somewhere lol.

  3. I have a house full of people and friends connected to my hobbies. Sometimes I’m as lonely as hell.

    But is it loneliness – or is it just having no-one to constantly use as a sounding board – or is it our insecurities (as you allude to)? Adulting is bloody hard work and I hate it sometimes.
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    1. All of the above lol! Maybe loneliness was the only word that came to me to even come close to trying to describe how I feel. I think tired probably sums it up. Or, The Hamster Wheel of Doom, as I called it last night. I’ve been constantly juggling balls – and they are BIG balls – for five years on my own, just to get some semblance of normality back for us as a family and mate, I’m so tired.

  4. As a 47 yr old woman I totally get it- sometimes all the baggage and shit from the past just won’t let go. I’ll bring out the old ‘this too shall pass’ and ‘you’re stronger than you think’ BS but it’s true and you are and you will. Good luck with the man friend and you’re boy will always come home even if it’s just for a quick hug from his fierce mama

    1. Thanks Lindy, I really needed to hear that. I know they’re cliches, but they are so true and something I need to remind myself of. I feel a little stronger, plague aside, this week already so yes, these feelings do pass, but it’s good to acknowledge them I think x

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