I would be the first person to admit that I find dating difficult, increasingly so the older I get. You may have seen me mention I had a date last week and that it went well but I’ve chosen not to see this guy again, for various reasons … well it’s thrown up something that I feel the need to talk through. And bearing in mind I’m home alone for hours on end every day, I’m going to think out loud here.
So here’s the thing. I appear to have turned into a bit of a cold fish apparently. (That picture above was the saddest fish I could find.) And the reason I know this? It’s pretty much what my last date has told me. Although, for the record, the words ‘fish’ and ‘Kate’ have never been used in the same sentence. But he’s called me cold more than once, so there must be some element of truth in it.
And I don’t blame him, he’s a little upset and is trying to make sense of my decision. Rather than this blog post be about him, however, I thought I would write about whether he has a point or not.
People that know and love me would, I would hope, 100% disagree with what he has said and I know for a fact that when I love someone, I love them hard. I am fiercely loyal, generous to a fault and would do anything for that person, whether its family or a boyfriend. But the problem is, and I say it’s a problem because I haven’t quite worked out if it is a problem or not yet, my guard is up when it comes to loving new people. In fact, it is up so high that only the tallest man would be able to step over it. I mean metaphorical height of course. It would take someone very special to break that barrier down.
I’m a smart woman. Intellectually, I know exactly what I’m doing, even if I don’t always want to do it. It’s about self-preservation and protection of me and my family, but I think if I’m not willing to share exactly what went on in my last relationship with a potential love interest, they are going to find it hard to appreciate the pain I have gone through in the past and why I am the way I am. So it’s a tough situation all round because I am trying to move forward from the past and the last thing I want to do is talk about it over a vodka & Diet Coke and a bowl of chips.
I don’t know if you saw First Dates this week but there was a girl on there called Abi who, let’s face it, was a massive dick to her date, and no matter how hurt she has been in the past, there is no need to treat anybody with such disdain. I hope I have never done that to someone, and I’m glad to see her date called her out on it – maybe even if this guy wasn’t right for her, she will think about how she comes across in future.
And I guess that’s what this blog post is about. Can I, or should I, become the softer version of myself that I was years ago? Am I protecting myself and my boys too much? Should I even be questioning the person I have now become just because someone I met once called me cold, or should I just be happy with who I now I am?
I wonder whether men self-analyse like this? I wonder whether I’ve ever made a flippant comment to a date that he has taken away with him and talked about with his mates? I’m not sure. It’s bad enough that I worry about fat my arse is on a first date without now having to worry about what a cold, heartless woman I apparently am. For the record though, I’m being a little unfair because he said 100 nice things about me too and I’m cross with myself that I’m fixating on the negatives, but I suppose I’ve always thought I was a nice, well rounded, likeable woman .. a modest woman too (ha!), and now it’s all up in the air. I hate doubting myself, especially at 45, because I should have my shit together really shouldn’t I?
Answers on a postcard. Or in a blog post comment.