Jupiter Ascending



I don’t go to the cinema nearly as much as I used to, or as I much as I would like. Even though I take a carrier bag full of goodies instead of paying the cinema’s extortionate prices, it’s still a lot of money for a single parent like me … and I don’t have any kidneys left to sell. (I say I carry the bag of prohibited popcorn and Minstrels, I make Dexter carry it … he looks much less suspicious. Don’t forget I’m the woman that always gets searched going through Customs because I have a dodgy looking face.)


Anyway, with it being half term this week, it had got to Thursday and I realised I hadn’t actually done anything with Dexter. Such is the life of a freelance single parent, I still have to work regardless of whether Dexter is at school or not. Before Mother’s Guilt really set in, I said to Dexter we could go to the cinema but unfortunately the film we actually wanted to watch, Kingsman, was a 15 certificate, and I had already tried to blag our way in, and failed miserably.


Jupiter Ascending it was then.


Now I love sci-fi films much as the next woman. I love nothing more than watching Benedict Cumberbatch in Star Trek … although that might be for slightly different reasons. I digress, I don’t mind sci-fi films and so was ‘happy’ to fork out of £16..


We sat down slightly late and missed the first couple of minutes but like with all films, I just said to Dexter it will all make sense in a minute don’t worry, when he looked at me with a face like, “What the hell is going on Mum?


An hour later, neither of us were any the wiser. I kid you not. I had no idea who was who or what was what. The only things I knew were these:


  1. Channing Tatum doesn’t suit a yellow goatee.
  2. Sean Bean is hotter than I remembered.
  3. Mila Kunis’ face did not change expression once, but she had amazing eyeshadow throughout.


Channing Tatum

Exhibit A:  Channing Tatum’s Yellow Goatee

The fighting scenes in the air were so complicated and fast-paced, it was like watching an arcade game you didn’t really understand. Even Dexter wasn’t impressed, and he only goes to the cinema for the fighting scenes! Eddie Redmayne was hammier than … a big slice of ham, which I found really hard to get to grips with, bearing in mind how amazing he apparently is in The Theory of Everything. A friend of mine summed.this film perfectly by saying it was a cross between Maid in Manhattan and The Fifth Element. Whereas that made her love it even more, for me it was quite possibly the worst film I’ve seen in years.


After an hour, I whispered to Dexter ‘shall we go?’ and just before we got our belongings together, another couple left, which heralded the mass exodus I have no doubt ensued after we also left.


Barry Norman I may not be, but let me save you your hard earned cash. Don’t ever watch this film.





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