love yourself

I thought I’d give you a little dating update.  I haven’t been dating.  You’re welcome.

 

A combination of reasons, but I’ve enjoyed the break.  I’ve worked hard, enjoyed spending time with my eldest whilst he’s been home from Uni, I’ve reconnected with my best friend again.  All awesome things.  But now, as we head towards autumn, I’ve now stopped and just taken five minutes to think about where I’m at when it comes to dating.

 

Throughout this two-year period of singledom, I’ve tested out a variety of dating sites and, to date, haven’t found love on any of them.  (‘Tested out’ … sounds awfully clinical doesn’t it?)  Invariably, I will dip in and out of dating sites, (pardon the pun), get bored, get annoyed, leave for a week, go back on, get bored, get annoyed, leave for a week.  A definite pattern.

 

This summer, I’ve had a long period of not being active on any dating site and it’s been good for me, but this ‘free’ time has made me think about men, love, relationships, dating … where I’m at in life.

 

Love. Life. The Universe. Blah blah.

 

And here’s what I’ve realised.  I’ve dated a fair few men in that time, as have my friends, and there is always a lot of wonderment if you will, following a date, including the following:

 

  • Should I text to thank them for a nice evening, or will that give the wrong signal?
  • What did they think of me?
  • Did I look fat?
  • Did they care even if I did?
  • Should I text?
  • Will he text?
  • Did we have much in common?
  • Did I talk too much?
  • Should we see each other again?
  • Was there any chemistry?
  • Was there enough chemistry?
  • Did they make me laugh?
  • Did I laugh them enough?
  • Did his body language indicate he liked me?
  • Was I interesting?
  • Was he interesting?
  • Are they batshit crazy?
  • Are we compatible?
  • Is there any potential?

 

I could go on.  And on.

 

This is the period, post-date, where both parties are trying to figure out just what the other person is thinking, and we have to do it in quite a short timeframe because a decision has to be made as to what the next move should be, even if it’s no move at all.

 

But as I wrote these questions above, I pondered on something … surely if it’s meant to be you won’t really have to ask (m)any of these questions at all.  In fact, if the other person likes you, he or she will make it blatantly clear they like you so you won’t be left wondering.

 

WHAT A BLOODY REVELATION!

 

I like to think that when I like someone, I make it blatantly clear I like them (no, not like that) and I can’t imagine my date going home and asking himself …

 

“Well, I think she likes me, but she didn’t call me straight back after I called her so, you know, perhaps I should call again?  Maybe she doesn’t like me after all.  I’m just so madly in love with Kate because she’s so incredibly awesome … ”

 

Etc.  Etc.

 

The fact is, and it’s something I’ve only come to realise late in life, but if, as single folk, we’re left wondering … and asking all these questions, if we’re just not sure, if the other person hasn’t made it clear, THEN THEY JUST AREN’T INTO YOU.

 

I’ve said it before.  You will just KNOW if someone wants you because they will make it their ‘job’ to make you FEEL WANTED.

 

Most of us will have heard that phrase, either from Sex & The City or that film with the hot guy in it … but the principle stands.  Don’t waste your time on someone that doesn’t care enough about you to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR they like you.  Trust me on this one.  It has saved me a lot of heartache lately.

 

I don’t play games.  (Twister doesn’t count.)  But I’m 44 next week and life really is too short for all that.  If love never happens again for me, so be it, but it is EXHAUSTING wondering all the time don’t you think?

 

If someone wants you in their life, they will put you there.  You won’t have to fight for a spot.

 

At least this way, my time is freed up to spend it with people who I DO want in my life and who want me.  I have fought to get where I am so when I love someone, I love them HARD … with everything I have.  But it’s a precious thing and not something I give away lightly.

 

Simplify your life.  Do the same.  Stop waiting and start living.

 

 

 

 

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Published by Kate Sutton

Writer, Mother, Dater.

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11 Comments

  1. I actually disagree. Even if they are the perfect person it won’t mean that there won’t be uncertainty, or hesitation. Sadly our lives aren’t like the movies and things aren’t always crystal clear. It’s scary and annoying to feel unsure but sometimes we just need to suck it up and wait. We can’t all know straight away and it can be ok to hold our cards to our chest for a while. Waiting for it to feel easy/perfect/clear cut may mean missing out on someone who is right.
    I think I’ve also learned that we all have different ways of showing we like someone and we can’t judge someone purely against our own markers. But yes dating takes effort, and involves rejection. Xxx

    1. Maybe I’m just at an age where I’m a lot more … black and white about things. I’m probably a whole lot older than you and I guess I don’t feel I have the time to sit wondering about stuff like this. I guess that could come across as ‘harsh’ but that’s just how I feel. I do agree that dating involves effort – on both parts – and I’m certainly not afraid to make the effort in a relationship. But I honestly believe that if someone likes you, it will be obvious and none of those questions need to be asked. At least not after a first date. Perhaps I’m asking too much. Perhaps I’m not. These are just my ramblings after a lot of dating experiences and I’m at the stage where this is how I feel. I CAN be a little judgemental but if I don’t judge someone against my own markers, then how DO I judge them? Something might be right for them but if I don’t feel it’s right for me then it’s not worth pursuing. We all have our own markers don’t we – and we can’t all agree 🙂 x

  2. This is the crap I hate about the online dating stuff (I guess it is same for normal dating?)

    I tend to just spill what I think to them, I can’t be annoyed playing games. If you like me great, let’s do this. If yount, super. Next!

    But the faff in the middle, the should I text him, should I wait to reply or instantly. IT IS EXHAUSTING.

    I guess people are generally worried about looking like an idiot and saying ‘hey I like you’ and it’s not reciprocated. But that’s part of it all, that’s the risk in order to maybe, just maybe find someone.

  3. I agree but also – if you both like each other but are both waiting for the other to text you’ll wait a long time! If you like someone, text or ring them, who cares if you worry about looking desperate – the worst that could happen is they blog about you and laugh 🙂

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