As you may have gathered from my last dating post, the whole ‘falling in love’ thing isn’t going too well.   I went out with a long term friend, who’s in the very same position as I am, to talk about it and see what the dealio was.


We’re both in our 40’s, both single parents, and neither of us are pushovers by any stretch of the imagination … lessons learnt from previous relationships may have meant we’ve had to develop somewhat of a hard outer shell but underneath it all, we’re big softies really.


Having both dated online, it was interesting to compare stories and one theme kept cropping up, and it’s quite a major one.


Why are men scared of strong women?


Because you see …  my friend and I, we don’t actually NEED a man. We just WANT one to enhance a life that we already have.


We both have great jobs we love and don’t need to rely on a man for money.  We’ve been single parents for years and, as exhausting as it is, we do a great job parenting on our own (me solely on my own, her with occasional interludes from her ex.)  We have our own homes.   Social lives.  Friends.  Family.  Love.  We can tackle the DIY (I’m still proud that I put a table and chairs together on my own.)  We drive.  We laugh … A LOT.  We’re happy.


I think all of the above comes across when you talk to us, either in person or online … there is no desperation at all from us (thank God) and so men (some, not all) wonder where they would fit in.


I’d like a man in my life to share what I already have and to create new memories with.  Someone to go on silly adventures with, watch amazing films with, laugh with, cook with, dance with.  Someone to kiss.  Someone to discuss how wonderful my latest book is.  Someone to cheer me on and for me to do the same.


I don’t need protecting.  I don’t need money.  I don’t NEED anything from a man that I don’t already have.


But I WANT a man in my life … and that’s a massive difference.


The trouble is, I’m not sure there are many men out there who can appreciate this – that whole caveman thing … yeah, I don’t need that thanks.


Men are intimated by what they perceive to be strong women, which is a shame.  A strong woman isn’t any less ‘deserving’ of a man’s love just because she’s independent, and I guess if a man is put off by what he perceives as a woman being ‘too strong’ then he’s not the right man for me.


I can’t be something I’m not but I can be a loving partner.  The trick is finding someone that understands the difference between NEED and WANT.


I know I’m generalising, but I’m allowed to, it’s my blog! … and no doubt there will be men (and women of course) who will say “But I LOVE strong women!)  But you’re not the ones on dating sites coming across men like this day to day … I don’t make this up just for something to talk about, it happens.


But there will be someone out there who isn’t intimidated by me … it’s just a case of being patient.





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Published by Kate Sutton

Writer, Mother, Dater.

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  1. You hit the nail on the head – men are often attracted to women who NEED them for something e.g. emotional, financial support or just because they are not complete on their own (NB women are ALSO often attracted to men who are missing one of those elements as well)
    You are a fabulous, strong, independent woman (well hello there, Destiny’s Child…!) and when the right ‘strong’ man comes along, it will work. He is out there. Perhaps he even has a beard…?


    1. Awww thank you! So if I pretend to be all needy and Penelope Pitstop I should be alright?! Lol. Nah … not my style, and I remain confident that my bearded lover is out there somewhere 🙂

  2. You don’t sound like you have room for a man….

    Different people want different things, I’m not sure if wanting a fella as a sort of on tap entertainment system to boost your ego sounds any more healthy than the woman who feels the need to have a man to complete them?
    Differentiating between need and want seems a bit like a first world problem.
    It would be nice if there could be a balance somewhere.

    1. Thanks for taking the time to comment. No really. Ok … so … a couple of things. You don’t know me, so I’m going to presume your presumption that I, and I quote, “want a ‘fella’ as a sort of on top entertainment system to boost my ego” is based on your previous bad experiences with women. After all, if you knew me, which you obviously don’t, you’d know I’m the least egotistic person you’ll ever meet. Yes, I wouldn’t see differentiating between ‘needing’ a man and ‘wanting’ a man as a first world problem … that’s because it isn’t, but then nor did I say it was … but then you’re the one reading this blog, and taking the time to comment, so maybe that says more about you than me. I would agree that a woman wanting a man to ‘complete’ them isn’t healthy … but balance is very hard to find and maintain I’d imagine.

      And finally, you don’t think I have room for a man? Well I guess that’s only for me to decide, but I probably wouldn’t have written about the subject if I didn’t have room. That would make me rather hypocritcal and a bit dumb – and I’m neither.

      PS – I would have contact you on Twitter to discuss, but your account is protected so no-one can see what (if anything) you Tweet about … so it seems you’re rather anonymous.

  3. Some of us are not … my first wife was a strong woman, happen to enjoy fucking my mates however, and the perfect Mrs M is a very strong woman. I like it, I like the strong exchange of views, the interest everyday when we challenge each other.

  4. On a serious note, I disagree that most men want to know their girl “needs” them… for money, or indeed anything… I want a girl that is with me for me.. My wife earns more than me, I live in her country, where she has the upper hand with language, we work in the same company, she is upper management, I am mid management… does it bother me ? not one little bit. It’s a turn on to see her in command of everything she does, and she chooses to be with me.. we, because she loves me … (And my huge ……. sense of humour!) …. Hmmm, maybe she is scared of strong men … Nah, I am an opinionated little sh..

    1. I’m coming at it from a dating POV (dating sites in particular). And I know I’m not alone … this isn’t just my opinion, but that of several of my friends too. Yes (as I did point out in my post) I’m generalising, but there are many MANY men who ARE intimidated/afraid whatever of strong, independent women. It’s great you’re not … and Mrs M sounds awesome btw! … but there you go. This is my experience and it’s sad, and it won’t be like this forever, because one day, I’ll meet my match, and we’ll live happy ever after. Or something.

  5. You are a lovely lady, and I feel that men perhaps find lovely, independent, strong, feisty women as intimidating. And that is the problem. They don’t see the shyness (yes, you are!), the uncertainty you sometimes feel (yes, you do!), the worries you sometimes have.
    That is their loss, not yours. It will take a special man to look through and see the real you.
    He is out there, he just doesn’t know where you are yet!

    1. Thanks Hilary, that’s very sweet of you and (rather annoyingly lol) you’re right on the other things too. I can be shy (particularly if I like someone), I’m uncertain about everything all the time (but hide it well) and I worry I’ll be alone. Like FOREVER 🙂 I remain optimistic, but until then, life continues 🙂

  6. Was going to say the same, always the way-stop looking, two come along at once. Strong men want strong women and he’s out there darling x

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