After the successes of yesterday, I’m in a horrible mood today. Actually, not horrible per se, just low, pissed off and annoyed. Yes, I’m very annoyed and I hate feeling like this because 95% of the time I’m pretty laid back and generally happy. My advice? Approach with caution.
I had a chat with a good friend this morning about why I’m feeling like this because it doesn’t sit well with me. I’m just not a moody person. I tend to internalise all my feelings so to actually talk to someone about how I feel and why I feel is a little alien to me. I’m trying to get better at that. Anyway, he’d noticed I’d been a bit quiet (on and offline) and asked if I was OK. Not many people do that in my world … notice that you’re not yourself and ask if you’re OK. It meant a lot.
I tried to pinpoint what triggered this feeling. It’s a combination of things, as these things tend to be, but I read an article this morning about Reeva Steenkamp in Jezebel that really struck a chord. (As an aside, I’m not going to even comment on the fact that they refer to Reeva as ‘deceased girlfriend.’ But seriously, WTAF?) It recounted a lengthy text that she had sent Pistorius and talked about how he’d got upset that she was talking to a friend’s husband and how he’d made her leave a party early. She goes on to talk about how she’s ‘scared of him sometimes’ and unfortunately, I could really relate. She had obviously invested a lot of time into that relationship and may have felt unable to leave. I don’t know, I’m hypothesising … but I remember feeling exactly the same. When you’ve come out of a shitty relationship, you do your best to crack on with life and brush ‘what happened’ under the carpet – you don’t have time to feel sorry for yourself. But sometimes, you’re reminded that actually … you were a lot ‘luckier’ than others.
The article just brought feelings rushing back that I’m trying hard to deal with. It annoyed me.
Also, Mother’s Day is approaching and, I’m sure like others who are motherless, it’s a rough time of year. I’ve made ‘peace’ with my loss but when you’re inundated with press releases, adverts and posters about what to buy your Mum for Mother’s Day, it makes you a little … punchy.
Oh and ALSO … my friend and I determined that I’ve got so used to drama in my life that now things are on the wane and life is quieter (thank God!) my brain doesn’t quite know what to do with itself. I’m so used to worry that my brain is now freaking out because it has so much less to worry about! Weird.
So I’ve decided to embrace the miserableness. Take a day to feel a little morose … but I’m meeting a friend later to show her round my new home and I’m sure she’ll lift my spirits.
Life goes on. I have a great life! But some days I think it’s OK just to feel down and be alright about that.
Please say you have days like this too!