I wrote about a dating dilemma I had yesterday.  But you’d know that having read it, right?  Hmmm.  But before I explain what happened, a little disclaimer:

 

Disclaimer:  what I am about to write is my story.  It’s my blog, ergo .. I get to write what I like.  Thems the rules.  It’s not meant to belittle anyone or be “mean” … it’s part of my life and as harsh as I may come across sometimes, this is what it’s actually like to date online these days!  I’m lovely really – ask my best friend.  And the old man I held a door open for today.  They like me.  So if you don’t like this kinda thing, I wouldn’t read it.  Simple.

 

Anyway, I was undecided about whether to go ahead with the date because I just didn’t fancy him … so I did what any 21st century woman would do … I asked Twitter.

 

Surprisingly, the verdict was 50/50 and people were pretty vocal about how they felt.  Comments ranged from me being shallow (to a certain extent, that may be true … but only as much as the next person) … to a friend regaling me with a story about how her date had a hairy mole that he played with all night and I shouldn’t have to go through the hell she did.

 

So what did I do?

 

I went on the date.

 

To be brutally honest … I was actually already in the café we were due to meet in because I’d been writing there all morning – I didn’t actually have to move.  So laziness had a big part to play.  But at least I stayed until he arrived.

 

He was on time … tick.  In fact, he looked a lot better than he did the day before … nice outfit – jeans, shirt and jacket, he’d obviously made an effort because I know he wasn’t due in work.  Oh, and he told me he’d made an effort.

 

He came over and kissed my cheek and asked what I’d like to drink.  He didn’t smell of aftershave, which was a shame, you know what I’m like about men who smell good .. but he didn’t smell rancid either, so I’d say that was probably a win.

 

#notrancid

 

You know what else I noticed though?  He was shaking.  He was that nervous, I could feel him shake as he leant over to kiss me.  A 41 year old, 6ft 1” bloke, nervous.  I felt so bad.  I really hate the thought that people are nervous around me so I gave him my best winning smile!  He probably thought I was a bit mental, queued up patiently and avoided all eye contact.

 

By the time he sat with me, I’d eventually put the laptop away and he had my full attention.

 

Nope, still didn’t fancy him.

 

We chatted, and actually he warmed up as the date went on.  He said I had a very calming voice.  That’s a first!

 

He explained that he didn’t actually house share per se, as he’d originally said, but rather he lived at his parents.  OK not ideal, but not a dealbreaker. Lying though .. not cool.  He went on to say he’d been there 2 years and when I asked if he actually had any plans to move out/on, he replied, “Well yeah, but I’m not that great with money.  Burns a hole in my pocket and I just feel the need to spend it.”  Righto …

 

I told him early on in the date that I wouldn’t be able to stay long as the ticket on my car was going to run out in 45 minutes.  To be fair, I could have just renewed it if I’d wanted to.  I’d honoured the date but the more I learnt about him, the more I realised he really wasn’t what I was looking for.

 

Which was a shame because he was a nice bloke.  Just not for me.

 

He was complimentary – liked my hair … until I told him I wasn’t a natural redhead and no doubt he judged me too, but it was best to call the date to a close.

 

We walked out towards the car park and as we crossed the road, his (brand new) phone fell out of his inside jacket pocket and onto the floor.  It wasn’t a healthy sounding crack and as he picked it up and turned it over, the screen was smashed to pieces.  “This is not good, not good at all,” he said.  An understatement.

 

By now we were at my car and thankfully, I hadn’t been fined.  I thanked him for the coffee and bid him adieu.  I didn’t, I just said bye and pecked him on the cheek.

 

So … did I do the right thing in going?  I’m not sure.  My gut instinct was right about how I felt about him, and meeting him again didn’t change that, but then we did have a nice chat and it’s always good to meet new people isn’t it?  But would he have wanted me to turn up knowing that I had already made my mind up about him … or would he have thought it really wasn’t worth the bother either.  Or .. did he actually find me repulsive anyway and it’s all a bloody moot point anyway!?

 

What do you think?  Did I do the ‘right’ thing in going?

 

 

 

 

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Published by Kate Sutton

Writer, Mother, Dater.

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13 Comments

  1. Well, only you can say if you did the right thing. I wonder why you are often looking for validation from others on what you are doing is right or wrong ..? Personally, I think you did the right thing, treated him with respect, honesty, and that’s the right way to handle people. Remember, all the others that are trying to internet date seriously are going through the same things as you, and I am sure you would hate to appear on their thoughts, blogs, twitter feeds having fun poked at you as well. So, I think you treated him, like you would like to have been treated. That’s all you can do right, be honest, treat people like you would like to be treated.

    1. Thanks for commenting … but let me make one thing clear. I am not, nor have I ever, sought validation or approval from people who read my blog. I have my own my mind and date who I want. I am seeking opinion, debate, and support. You talked about treating him with honesty. That’s my point. Did I? I agreed to go on a date with a person I didn’t fancy – wasn’t I just wasting both our time? Was I being honest? As for ‘poking fun’ at people, I don’t see it like that but, for the purposes of not coming across as the Mean Girl that people now seem to think I am, I’ve taken out all references to looks … which I think is the right thing to do. As my disclaimer said, writing about my dates isn’t meant to upset anyone – it’s just another aspect of my life I like to write about. If people don’t like it/aren’t interested … they really don’t have to read it. Thanks again for commenting though – I know you, of all people, have some understanding of how hard it is to online date.

      1. It incredibly difficult, and the main thing you have to judge people on is the look, the photo… that’s the main part of online dating.. and, never forget, that’s the 1st instinct everyone has when they meet someone … “Would I sleep with them”… whether people admit this or not, that’s the truth. No-one is ever 100% honest in life, if you were, you would have zero friends… so, I think you were right to go on the date (I did this a few times)… and, maybe you are not just meant to date for ‘that’ relationship… but also to mingle, meet people, and that’s not a bad thing. Kate, this dating thing is hard, this on-line dating thing is near impossible… I got lucky.. and does happen… but not for everyone, but if you don’t role the dice, you just never know.

        Still,what the fuck do I know !

  2. I’m surprised you went actually – and very impressed you did – so you’re not shallow at all (not that I thought you were, I KNOW you’re not, but you get my drift. You didn’t really want to go but you gave it a shot – and from what you’ve written you remained open minded despite your first instinct. It’s a shame it went downhill from there – but that’s because he’s not right for you on the big stuff. My dating history is a disaster but one thing I’ve learned from marrying a bloke who couldn’t even pay the bill for our first date is to take out the shoulds and should not of what we’re supposed to be feeling / doing according to politically correct stuff and set our sights high lady. You deserve it and to be with someone you actually belong with. Mwah.

    As for your commenter above, I think they’re being a bit harsh. You have never needed validation. Being a single mum can be a lonely business and having a bit of banter and a laugh and others opinions just makes the process of what you’re going through more enjoyable / easier to bear, I would imagine? 🙂

    1. I’ve taken a lot of flak this week about being harsh about the men I date/that want to date me. You know me Anya, and you also know how hard it is to date ‘at our age’ … so I appreciate you commenting. A little support is always nice. I know ‘Moon’ so we’re cool, I can handle it 🙂 The thing with setting your sights high? You always end up disappointed.

      1. comment is what the comment section is for, and I said what I have simply noticed, maybe a little harsh, but, that’s how I have seen the last few posts etc… being truthful is how we get on and debate… Kate put me straight, so all is good in the hood..

  3. I don’t think I’d have gone as you pretty
    Much knew however nice he might turn out to be there was
    no attraction which is vital and not shallow in the least. In your busy life you sometimes have to prioritise who you can spend time with & spending time with him just to be polite was wasting yours & his. If I felt someone was meeting me to be polite i’d rather they didn’t. I think you’re a funny, intelligent writer & I always enjoy your blog. I don’t think you’re mean, just honest.

    1. Thanks for commenting. It’s funny how everyone is split 50/50 about whether I should have gone. You’re so right about our lives being so busy can we really afford to spare that time on something that isn’t going to lead anywhere? And thank you for saying I’m not mean! I’ve had to really question myself this week (which is no bad thing) so it’s nice to know that people enjoy my writing 🙂

  4. Yes, you did the right thing in going. He made a better impression on you physically, even if you still didn’t fancy him and you were able to consider him on who he was (or the sort of person he was likely to be going forward).

    So you don’t fancy him. At least if you see him in the street now, you can flash him a smile and say “hi, how are you?” with your head held high, rather than having to cross over the road or duck behind the nearest care with guilty shame.

    1. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I’m glad I went, but … I still wonder whether it was just a waste of time. And time is precious! I didn’t do either of us any favours really, other than spend a pleasant 45 minutes with someone new. And I suppose there are worse ways to spend an afternoon 🙂

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