online dating



Let me tell you a little story. It’s a story that’s fundamentally about trusting your instincts, but I’ll get to that.


Last year, I went on a date with a man. I didn’t feel we were compatible, chose not to see him again and we went our separate ways. A year passed and he got back in touch. I agreed to meet up with him and he became Lilt Man.


As you can see from that post, we had a couple of nice dates (and a few more dates after that) … I say ‘dates’ … he came round my house late at night … and I tried really hard to look past the things that really bugged me about him. Really hard. I even voiced my issues with him in the hope that he’d take them on board and change.  (Note to self: This NEVER works.)


Thing is, as sad as it sounds, it was nice to have some male company once a week and even though I didn’t see this as a long term relationship, it was nice to talk about something other than debt, the kids, my ex or work. So I persevered. Longer than I should have.


Now as some of you know, Saturday was a big day. I took my eldest to uni for the first time and I will miss him terribly – I do already – and so when Lilt Man said he’d come round when I got back, I thought it would be good for me. A distraction if you will. He asked what time to come round. I said 10pm – this would mean he could put his kids to bed and I could have the evening with Dexter. Besides, he always came round at 10pm.


By 10.30pm he still hadn’t arrived.  I was exhausted, pissed off he was late, and slightly tipsy after opening the ropey Tescos Value vodka – had unfortunately run out of the good stuff!  He then text saying, and I quote, “Hello.” Now bearing in mind he was meant to be at my house 30 minutes ago, and he lives 30 minutes away, I was somewhat … annoyed that he wasn’t texting a profuse apology that he was late.  Here’s what happened next:


Me:      Let’s just leave it.

Him:    Why?

Me:      Because it’s already 10.30pm!

Him:    I was ready at 9.  Yeah so? Do you have to rush in the morning?

Me:      “Yeah so?” No apology?

Him:    I was waiting, then crashed out.

Me:      I’ve been driving for over 7 hours today and stayed up to see you.

Him:    What, apologise for being a bit tired and sleeping whilst waiting for you when I could have left at 9?


The funny thing was, I was pissed off but actually, this was just confirmation that I should never have wasted any time on him in the first place. I wanted to smack myself round the head with a frying pan for being so stupid. (Although I wanted to smack HIM round the head even more.)


The conversation continued in that vein:


Me:      Today was a big day and I was looking forward to seeing you.

Him:    Look, you’re obviously in a mood and having a pop.


Why do men do that? Blame the woman when they’re the one in the wrong?


Him:    I fell asleep, what’s the big deal?

Me:      You act like I’ve got nothing better to do than wait up half the night for you.

Him:    Now you’re demanding an apology. I’m not apologising for something I haven’t done wrong.  Do you want me to come or not?

Me:      No.


He then continued to monitor what time I was awake on Whatsapp by messaging me at midnight saying, “I see you’re still up.




I had pretty much lost the will to live and could not be arsed to even reply.


He text me the next day, “Hey you, morning,” like nothing had happened.  When I didn’t reply, he very kindly sent me this quote:


“There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away. The battle they are fighting isn’t with you, it is with themselves.”


So that’s nice. How very thoughtful of Ghandi to keep me in check with his insightful and philosophical musings.


I couldn’t resist, and replied:


Me:      I take it that’s aimed at me?

Him:    Not at all Kate, it wasn’t aimed at anyone. If you feel a conviction coming on, it’s your own conscience.




Me:      We’re definitely done here.

Him:    Not a problem Kate. You’re angry at the wrong person.


And then this was a real test of strength for me not to rise to the bait:


Him:    You’re too intense. You need to let your hair down.  Not worth the bother.



I’m not worth the bother.


I don’t feel let down particularly by him, I should have seen it coming, but I do feel pretty despondent with the whole dating thing right now. Perhaps it’s just my state of mind. Perhaps I’m just looking in the wrong place. Or perhaps I’m not really meant to find love again.


Either way, the morals of this story are:


a)             When you have doubts about a man, do not ignore them. Go with your gut feeling.

b)             I AM worth the bother.

c)            Lilt tastes revolting.


kate sutton

(Visited 284 time, 1 visit today)

Published by Kate Sutton

Writer, Mother, Dater.

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  1. I would have been utterly furious tbh. The time arranged was 10pm, so he should of arrived at 10pm. It’s all very nice that he as ready at 9pm, but that really isn’t the point if he then falls asleep and is going to be late. Silly mupppet. Him, not you, obvs!

    yes you ARE worth the “bother”, you totally are!


  2. You are SO worth the bother. The signs are always there. They usually say ‘Twat,’ right from the outset. Glad you know you are above this sort of thing. It will get better. You’re destined for far greater things. There’s nothing worse than people not apologising – that could have ended up a completely different evening / night. And congratulations on your eldest again xx
    Anya from Older Single Mum and The Healer recently posted..And Then He Got His Buffer Out!My Profile

  3. Oh poo. But we all know we should listen to our instinct but then we decide to give people the benefit of the doubt. And you are SO worth the bother x

  4. Kate, I read pretty much everything you write on dating, and I love your humour, but, underneath it all, it saddens me that you seem to find all the tripe that goes with dating, and esp the whole On-line dating thing. You also know (and yes, you probably hate me for this) that it does work, and of course you will find love again. I have no advice at all to give, my experiences are not the same as yours. I fell at the first hurdle of marriage (well, my wife fucked my mates)….. and, then I was on the rollercoaster of disappointment (dating circuit)… but, I got there, and, I know you will too…. doubt it will be tomorrow, but, I am sure it will. Finally, don’t put all men into this box of useless tossers. We are not, some of us are wonderful, and your wonderful will happen again. We are not all ‘lilt men’.

    1. Thanks for commenting (and for still reading!) and I know you’re right … annoyingly. I certainly don’t see all men as ‘lilt’ men. I kinda like men. I just wish I didn’t keep choosing the douchebags.

  5. Hi Kate
    I love reading about your dating exploits, so full of humour despite the disappointments. I can’t say that I know what it’s like to be in your situation, but I can’t help feeling that your ‘Mr Right’ is out there somewhere and I hope you bump into him soon.
    Debs x
    Debs Coady recently posted..The life of a superstarMy Profile

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