If you were on Twitter late last night you may have seen me Tweet something so passive aggressive I wanted to bitch slap myself upside the head. Something about needing someone to tell me everything was going to be OK.  Blah, blah.  A minor wobble shall we say.  I don’t know where it came from, but the thing with social media, sometimes you blurt things out before realising what you’ve said and then … it’s too late.

 

I’m not a sharer.  Tend to keep ‘shit private’ but  you see sometimes … I feel lonely.  There, I said it. I’m strong, confident and the rest of it (most of the time) … but being a single parent is a lonely place to be.  I am totally, 100% responsible for other human beings – making important, sometimes life-changing decisions and sometimes, when you have no one else to turn to, it feels like the scariest place in the world to be.

 

The other thing about social media is that I’m also scared to let people know what’s really going on with me. It has become a place where I CAN’T be myself. Not truly, not warts ‘n all.  (Metaphorical warts.)

 

People have a perception of what I’m like and I worry that if people knew more than I let on, I’d be judged, and not particularly fairly. So I smile and crack jokes.  Talk about dating and how fun being single is.  But here’s the thing … I am SO tired of life right now.  Dating is exhausting – dealing with emotionally retarded f*ckwits that don’t know their arse from their elbow, let alone know a good woman when they see one.  The house sale consists of people whining that “there’s too much work to do” on the house, when all it needs is a lick of paint.  Oh, and a new bathroom. My eldest is about to leave for uni and I’ll be driving down to his uni to say goodbye. With my ex husband.

 

It goes on and on. And on.

 

I also want to talk about something major that is happening in my life right now but (legally) I can’t.  This gives me nightmares. Isolates me. Makes me worry for the future and that of my children. Stops me sleeping. Unsettles me every minute of the day. Gives me constant indigestion. Tires me to the point of utter exhaustion and sometimes I don’t know how I put one foot in front of the other.

 

And yet I do.

 

The reason I don’t talk about all of this is because it’ll only take one person to be nice to me and I know I’ll crumble. That’s exactly what happened last night. An outpouring of affection from people I’ve never met reduced me to a blubbering mess.  The only person that was ever able to do that was my Mum. All she had to do was ask, “Are you OK?” knowing full well I wasn’t, and that was it – it would all come pouring out.  And now she’s not here and there’s no-one else to ask me that question.

 

And as quickly as last night’s wobble began, it finished.  Today is a new day and I’ll try again to be a little bit more open, a little bit warmer, a little bit nicer, a little bit like the person I used to be and one day, I may even be strong enough to tell everyone what’s really going on.

 

Everything will be OK in the end.  And if it’s not OK, it’s not the end.

 

Tell me I’m not the only one that feels like this.

 

kate sutton

 

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Published by Kate Sutton

Writer, Mother, Dater.

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14 Comments

  1. Nope, you’re not the only one who has, does or will feel like this. I was a single mum for quite a few years. My ex was very absent in my daughter’s life and any decision I tried to discuss with him was met with derision so I stopped discussing. I now raise her with a lovely man but even in a good relationship there can be loneliness. I suppose especially as all my family are thousands of miles away and the time difference doesn’t always help when you need to talk to someone and you know it’s 3am their time. Anyway. *Hugs* (for what virtual hugs are worth–seems to innefective at times like these). I DO think you’re fabulous and I’m sure I would even if I knew the ‘real’ you. The real yu probably comes across in your writing and Facebook more than you realise 😉 xox
    Michelle | The American Resident recently posted..10 tips for a great BBQ playlistMy Profile

    1. Thanks Michelle – much needed. Thing is I’m not one for pity or looking for ‘there there’s but it’s hard to keep it all reined in sometimes. I’d hate anyone to think I’m to be pitied. But a virtual hug is always welcome x

  2. You’re not the only one who feels like that. Sometimes (a lot of the time) I feel like I’m putting on an entire act to the whole world & even I don’t know what’s real and what’s “fake” anymore. But, you are amazing. You are doing a fantastic job with two fantastic kids. You are coping, whichever way it is, you’re coping. You are getting through the untold shit that’s been thrown at you and you are going to come out the other side and finally have the life you deserve.

    Don’t you ever forget that bird. Hear me?

    Love you long time x
    Kate recently posted..Come on down!!My Profile

  3. Darling Kate this made me cry. We are all here for you and can relate with what you mean. Motherhood with the best of support can be lonely, tough, heart wrenching so it must be a million times that raising your kids solo. You are doing an amazing job and no one will ever judge you if you feel upset…I know what that feels like though, sometimes to keep surviving and trucking you just keep going, not wanting to dwell on what is actually tough and shit at the time (felt this after my first child a lot)…thing is it’s OK to not always be OK (I’m learning this too) so do reach out to those you trust. Love you. Big Greek booby hugs xxx
    HonestMum recently posted..Tasty Tuesdays: Calamari (Fried Squid)My Profile

  4. Even in a successful partnership/marriage you can still feel lonely, like you are the only one doing anything, that no-one else really understands what you are going through and how it affects you. So, I guess being a single parent is just worse at times. I think it is only the end when you are dead, and even then we don’t know if it is the end, depending on your beliefs. Courage comes in many ways, the courage to get up and face the day, the courage to say no that isn’t good enough, the courage to say yes, I really want to do this.
    Have courage. Have faith that when you look back on all this in many years time, you can say to perhaps one of your children, look, I did all this, you can too.
    Massive hugs, you are allowed to feel like this and it isn’t wrong, you are allowed to let it all out too. Then, like the majority of people, we stand tall, breathe in, shoulders back, big boobs out and poke the rest of the world in the eye as we carry on with our lives, doing the best we can, the only way we know how.
    You are doing amazing. Keep going.

    1. Thanks so much for commenting. You are so right about the whole courage thing – sometimes just facing a new day is hard enough but I remain optimistic, as pessimistic as this post may have been 🙂

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