I’ve been analysing the dating scene lately and trying to work out where I’m going wrong.  The first thing I’ve realised is that I’m obviously on the wrong dating sites – you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.  So, before I dismiss internet dating completely, I think I just need to understand that there are decent sites out there and perhaps I’ve been a little hasty in my judgement.  Maybe I should stop being so tight and just cough up.

 

Surely, finding a good relationship is worth spending money as well as time on?

 

Some of the comments people have left on my other dating posts have given me a little hope as so many people know someone who has successfully found love on the internet, so today I’m feeling much more positive about the whole thing.  Being single really is a choice for me … and I think the right man is worth waiting for.

 

So who is the right man?  I think the obvious characteristics go without saying – kind, smart, funny, hot, smells good.  One thing that is a bit of a sticking point, however, is age.

 

I talk about age a fair bit because unfortunately, once you pass 40 (do NOT collect £200,) you often get judged (unfairly) by a lot of people – especially as a woman.  BUT … I’m a bit of a hypocrite because actually, I have always preferred to date younger men.  In fact, I’ve only ever dated one man that was older than me (by a whole year,) and although he was lovely, we just wanted different things.

 

I find myself in a quandary because I want to date younger men, but older men want to date me.  At forty-two, I’m in the Bermuda Triangle of the dating world.

 

It seems that men in their late forties/early fifties see me as a ‘younger woman’ … acceptably young – but not too young.  Just old enough.   Men in their twenties on the other hand, often see me as ‘the older woman’ – fascinated by the age gap.  And there I am.  Stuck in the middle, with men that are either too young or too old.

 

I don’t feel forty-two … I feel at least ten years younger.  But I already have children and feel too old to have anymore.   I would imagine most men in their early thirties would still want children of their own so dismiss me purely based on that before even knowing me.

 

I can’t deny it’s a challenge but I’m optimistic.  I don’t believe that we have one true love and that’s your lot, nor am I in any particular hurry.  I’ve met one man in the past year since I’ve been single that I thought I could fall for but sadly, it didn’t work out.  What-Ever.  His loss, obviously.

 

But it taught me this.  Coming out of a difficult long term relationship can scar you but I now know it hasn’t made me so bitter that I can’t have feelings for another person – I’m still open to the idea of being in love again.

 

And that, folks, is a very exciting place to be.

kate sutton

 

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Published by Kate Sutton

Writer, Mother, Dater.

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10 Comments

  1. Well, I successfully used internet dating to be where I am now, married 4 yrs, a lovely boy and the perfect wife *don’t hate me .. it does work, but like you say, you have to find the right site that has men seriously looking for relationships, not just a ‘contacts’ site…(I didn’t use eHarmony btw)

    As for age, it doesn’t bother me, M is 10 yrs younger *High Five … but that was not important, just making sure we both were looking for the same thing … which we were… Bingo…

    Keep looking and searching, and along the way, shag the ones you like !

  2. Dear WWW
    I think our lives have stages, and that these are age related, even if we don’t like that.
    In our twenties/ thirties we meet and make relationships , start the projects of children, and houses, and generally speaking we meet people at work, or in clubs or bars or at other people’s parties/weddings etc…..
    Then in the thirties/forties, our relationships change and we perhaps change our partners, through divorce, or not, through the mid life crises, through boredom, through lack of communication , or taking things for granted.Or we hang on to those promises, developing our relationships.
    We don’t want the same things at 40 as at 20. We have experiences, for the good or bad, and different projects take precedence, and priorities such as children , building homes or buying property , careers are perhaps not the same.
    I just wondered why we are so fascinated with age. Is there a maximum gap ? Do you become a cougar or whatever after a certain age? I think I’ve become an old froggy!
    Wanting different things does sound familiar, but I think that adult conversations can lead to “an understanding” whatever that means. But that territory isn’t where love lives. And when you are looking for love, it seems to hide.

    Love is an exciting, dynamic, revitalizing feeling, powerful and deep. I’m lucky enough to be loved, and to love. I also don’t believe in one true love, as when I was younger I fell in love at the drop of a hat. Or was it lust? Ah, there is the rub. So, what can I say to you? Well the “Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy” says that the meaning of life is 42, and on the back , written in large, comforting letters is the message “Don’t panic”
    Maybe you’ll find an old (or young)wreck in that Bermuda triangle!

    I hope that you find love, and happiness. You deserve it.We all do.
    Love
    Rich

    1. Rich – thanks so much for taking the time to comment. So, the meaning of life is 42?! I bloody knew it! Explains a lot. As for finding someone in the Bermuda Triangle of Love … I shan’t hold my breath but there again, I’m in no hurry. I think I’m just disillusioned by men of all ages … but that’s a slight generalisation I guess 🙂

  3. That picture IS me!

    I admire you for trying, you are a beacon to follow as I a 40 yr old single mum feels like maybe I have given up even trying to date. And that is a very sorry state of affairs.

    I know exactly what you mean about Bermuda Triangle, not sure I am ready for an older man.

  4. Kate – I saw the link to your blog on my friend Tammy Soong’s page and the image attached to this entry caught my eye – actually made me choke on my tea as I burst out laughing painfully aware of how closely I resemble it, though admittedly a tad younger.

    Enjoy your writing style from this slice and *sigh* I understand your situation too well. I won’t bore you with my story, but keeping our hearts open and knowing we may make a few wrong choices along the way is just part of the adventure. Hopefully your good smelling guy is just around the corner.

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