Take a look at this pic. It’s cute, right? I christened it Superdog. If you look closely, you might notice that she only has one eye – I guess that explains the healing pet collar she’s wearing – see, my degree didn’t go to waste. (Oh, how do I know it’s a female dog? It’s owner had a ‘Bitch on Board’ sticker on her car. Hilarious I know.)
I noticed this dog sat on the back of its (crazy) owner’s car when I was doing a Boot Fair yesterday. Wondering how I know she’s one of those crazy dog owners? I’ll get to that.
My attention was first drawn to this dog by a passing trader who was lingering in front of a second hand white swimsuit I was trying to sell, just a little too long. (A white swimsuit?? What the hell was I thinking?) I did my best Delboy impression, but just as I was mid spiel-delivery, she pointed at the dog.
“Did you see that. DID YOU SEE THAT?” she kept asking.
“Yeah. Ummm … it’s a dog.” My lack of sleep clearly hadn’t impaired my 20/20 vision.
“That woman just tongued that dog!”
“You are shitting me,” I replied.
“I swear I am not. Look!”
And sure enough, as I turned around to look at the poorly, one-eyed dog … it’s owner was actually kissing it – with tongues.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I like dogs as much as the next person (as long as it’s not the person next to me at the Boot Fair,) but for the love of God, you don’t know where that tongue’s been! (I’m talking to the dog here.) Literally … saliva was being swapped.
She carried on like it was the most natural thing in the world and, no doubt, she was just ‘looking after’ her pet. She’d wrapped a big, pink jumper around it (normal,) and she was obviously very, ummm … ‘caring’ … but correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t there a name for that there dog kissing thing? Begins with a B?
Needless to say, the potential customer was so horrified by this weird dog kissing episode, she walked on and didn’t buy the white swimsuit. (If anyone’s interested – brand new, Speedo, big on top – I’ll hook you up.)
As the day wore on, she got her camping stove out and started cooking cheap ass burgers for her and her lover, dog, and the smell permeated the air in the way only a nasty, post-nightclub burger van can do. Triffic.
Admittedly, I had expected her just to feed it some Pedigree Chum, or whatever it is dogs eat these days … but alas, no. She cooked this nasty burger up, popped one in a roll for herself, and cut up one for her dog. Then she proceeded to half chew it up, (as Roy Castle infamously said, mastication’s what you need,) to make sure it’s not too hot (you know, like we do for BABIES!) … and then fed it to her beloved dog.
I understand I may come across like a bit of a grumpy bugger for finding all of this weird – perhaps you had to be there to fully appreciate the freakiness – but people who treat animals like humans just weirded me out. I was brought up with greyhounds (I didn’t actually live in a kennel,) and they were loved – BUT WE TREATED THEM LIKE DOGS … BECAUSE … THEY ARE DOGS!
(I’m not particularly sure she was all there to be honest *taps head* … because I’m pretty sure at one point, a man walked past, called her Scott and they regaled each other stories of when they used to work at the Dockyard.)
Oh I don’t know … call me old-fashioned, but to me, French kissing your dog is not on.
Having said that, considering how dire my love life is right now, I could do worse.