I thought I’d give you an update on my Thinking Slimmer journey and, like a lot of journeys, it hasn’t exactly gone to plan.
For those of you who aren’t aware of what Thinking Slimmer is, you can read my first post here, and to begin with, it’s been a wholly positive experience. And thinking about it, even when things haven’t exactly gone to plan, and I look at the bigger picture, it’s still a positive experience.
Even when Trevor makes me cry.
I should point out that Trevor is the voice of Thinking Slimmer and I think I may have fallen a bit in love with him, (his voice anyway.) I actually look forward to listening to him last thing at night and still haven’t made my way right to the end of the CD yet because he sends me to sleep within five minutes, guaranteed … every, single night. It’s like magic! However, after successfully dropping one jeans size already (I think there may be time for a quick group hug here,) things have gone a little awry.
I’m eating chocolate again. Oh man! *pokes self in eye*
And I know why. It’s purely for comfort. It’s in bed, late at night and it soothes me. It makes me feel good. I know it’s messed up. My head knows that but, for short periods at a time, I can’t seem to stop.
So, I decided to change tact this morning and listen to the Chocaholics Slimpod in the car on the way to work. Not THE best place to be listening to such a therapeutic CD, in the middle of rush hour, granted, but I had to do something.
I vaguely remember yawning a lot. It’s not that the recording made me nod off (although I probably wouldn’t recommend listening to it whilst driving,) but Trevor talks to your subconscious you see. It’s sooooo soothing. I don’t even concentrate on what he’s saying (you’re not meant to,) but it seeps in somehow. Anyway, I remember him saying something along the lines of, “Think about the safest, most secure place you’ve ever been – remember that feeling. Remember what it looks like. How it feels.” I’m paraphrasing somewhat but, without realising it, I suddenly had a squillion tears running down my cheeks.
Ummmm …. what the??
OK. So what was it that I thought of? I was suddenly transported back to cuddling into my Mum on her favourite armchair, when I was aged seven. I remember the comfort of her bosom, the curve of body, the warmth of her arm around me. I remember her smell, the small bag of butterscotch sweets tucked down the side of the chair and the bobbles on the armchair that I used to like picking off. I remember her blonde, wavy hair. Her Nivea soft skin. Her ability to watch TV, knit, read and cuddle, all at the same time.
I remember it all.
It smacked me upside the head like a baseball bat and I couldn’t catch my breath. It was a repressed memory I hadn’t thought of in a very, very long time. It came out of nowhere, but it came from somewhere very, very deep inside me.
So now what? Approaching Mother’s Day is bittersweet for me now she’s no longer here and there’s been a lot of talk lately about what to buy your Mum for Mother’s Day, where to take her, what to give her. And I can’t do any of that.
And it sucks.
But I’m finding that I’m trusting Trevor. Doesn’t that sound mad!? (I do feel like I’m going mad sometimes.) He’s on a CD for God’s sake! But he’s a real person to me now – I’ve listened to him every day for over a month and I know he’s finally getting through to my sub-conscious because quite how he pulled that memory out of me, I have no idea.
Bereavement is like having an arm cut off. You continue to live but you have to learn how to live in another way. I struggle with it every day. Eating chocolate goes some way to soothing the pain I feel in my heart. It’s a bit like having Mum’s arm around me again as we sat cuddling in that armchair thirty-four years ago.
But it’s not healthy. The way I eat chocolate is not good for me. It’s not going to replace my Mum. In the long run, it’ll only do me damage. My conscious brain knows this. My heart, on the other hand, is in pain. So much pain that sometimes, I just don’t know how to cope.
As I sit here typing this during my lunch hour at work, tears are falling again but weirdly, I’m pleased. I don’t cry enough. I’m just not a cryer. I haven’t cried nearly enough tears over losing my Mum … or anything else that’s caused me pain, so Trevor did a good thing today. I don’t know how he did it, but I know he’s actually getting somewhere with me.
I’ll continue with my Thinking Slimmer journey and see where it takes me. I’m scared and excited. I didn’t realise that emotions would surface that have been buried deep for such a long time and I don’t quite know what to do with it all yet.
I’m not cured – not of my craving for chocolate, or of my heartache.
But it’s a start.