I’m going out out on Friday. As in I’m actually leaving the house, and going for a couple of drinks (bad back permitting.) And the reason I’m telling you? Because IT’S A MASSIVE BLOODY DEAL.
I apologise for caps locking you there, but after this week’s blog post about online dating, I know, now more than ever, how important it is to go out in the real world, but when did something like going out for a few drinks become such a big deal? I used to go out ALL the time, well, at least every weekend and it was just … normal. But nowadays, it feels like going to my local shopping centre is a treat.
Kill me know, seriously.
I’ve got stuck in a massive rut, and being a freelancer is one reason why. When you work from home, you’re surrounded by your home comforts. You’ve got your PJs, unlimited coffee (and not £3 a cup), all the snacks, TV, music, a fire … everything I’ve ever wanted in life! Why on earth would I want to leave?
“Erm, human interaction?” Yeah, good point stranger on the internet. The only two places I regularly visit are the gym and Tescos. Christ, when did I become such a sad act? I used to work in London! I used to go clubbing every week! I was the one whose house we congregated at for pre-drinks! (Lolling at pre-drinks, my son does that!)
My confidence took a massive knock after my relationship ended, and I know some of you, especially those who know me in real life, might find that strange to hear, but the thought of walking into somewhere like a pub, somewhere full of men, scares me a little. The gym is a little different as I’m so focused on my goals, and I can block out the fact that there are men there (besides, they’re too busy looking at themselves to notice me), but pubs are different. When it all ended so horrifically with He Who Shall Not Be Named, I craved peace and quiet. I longed for safety, security and … solitude. And after nearly five years, I have all of that. I love my life as it is really – safe in the knowledge that I don’t have to walk around on eggshells at home for fear of pissing anyone off just because I exist. I can now do what I want, when I want and there is no better feeling than that. But isolating yourself is no way to live, and it’s no example to set.
Sometimes, for me, just the thought of getting ready to go out is exhausting. Putting clothes on that aren’t gym clothes or pyjamas. Putting make-up on. BRUSHING MY HAIR! It sounds like I live like a hobo – for the record, I don’t. I have baths and everything. But it’s cold outside, and it’s so warm in my house … and, and, and … I need to stop making excuses and just do it. The fact is, I’m just a little bit scared of what (or who) is out there. I don’t know if that’s natural to feel like that when you’ve been in an abusive relationship, whether it’s something you learn to live with or whether it’s something I need to be therapised for (ha, I love making up my own words!) But either way, I’ve now acknowledged how I feel, which is the first step.
I love life. I hope that comes across in this blog, because I really do – and the slimmer and fitter I get, the more I love life, so things need to change. Maybe I just need to be a little braver.
So that’s what I’m doing. I know going out to the pub for a few drinks doesn’t sound particularly brave, but for me, it is. There’s no plan as such, but all the best nights start out with no plan – plus I live in a small town with nothing to do so there’s not really much you CAN plan, but I’m going out out, and I’m nervous.
Nervous, but excited.