Red Sky Moments
Three years ago, I found myself travelling home from an afternoon lecture at university. Modernism I think. I loved that module because not many people really ‘got it.’ Modernism was weird, made little sense to most people but I found it fascinating. Anyway, as I travelled down the M2 from Canterbury, I had one of those very rare moments of pure, unadulterated, utter and total fulfilment. No – I wasn’t doing that. The sun was setting, and as I drove down the motorway I looked up to the sky and saw the most beautiful sunset I’d ever seen. The sky was a mixture of purple and red hues, highlighted with a halo of burnt orange. It was breath-taking. But what made my ‘red sky’ moment all the more special was the way I was feeling at the time.
University had fulfilled me like nothing else ever had in my life. It fed my soul. All sounds rather dramatic but at thirty eight years old I found myself doing something I had always wanted to do but never thought I’d be able to do. As I drove, my window was wound down, one of my favourite songs was at full volume (Desire by Jose James if you want to check it out – it is awesome,) and as I looked up to the multi-coloured sky I felt at such peace.
Of course, these things never last and in the blink of an eye, and a moment of road rage later, I was back to reality and home to a barrage of stress.
For three years, I have been hoping that another Red Sky Moment would happen again. It’s been a long time, but if they happened all the time, I guess they wouldn’t be so special.
Last weekend, as I sat on the discussion panel at BritMums Live, I finally had another Red Sky Moment. I was surrounded by such amazing people, both on the panel and in the room, that, as I looked out at all the faces around me I had an epiphany.
I have been through so much crap lately you would not believe. Seriously. If I told you 5% of what’s been going on in my life lately you’d wonder how I was still standing. Maybe that’s for another post. But quite frankly, I don’t think I could share it without having to re-live it all. And I don’t want to do that. People were filing into the room and I couldn’t believe I was sat where I was. Me. ME?? I’d been so nervous all morning but suddenly, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace. The nerves went and I smiled. I smiled like I hadn’t smiled in years.
I suddenly realised that I had finally made it through one of the worst times of my life.
That Red Sky Moment hasn’t left me. It’s waned slightly now I’m home, but I’m finding joy in the smallest of things again. Last night I got home from a long day at work and, after putting dinner on for Dexter and I, I got the hosepipe out and we had a water fight. An early evening water fight that had us laughing like hyenas. Soaked to the skin, Dexter sat on my lap afterwards and kept on giggling and I had the sudden realisation that I hadn’t heard him laugh like that in a long time. He was at such peace, as was I.
I find myself crying as I write this because it’s only by writing this all down that the realisation hits me of where I’ve been and where I’m now at. (*blows nose*) I’m not searching for Red Sky Moments anymore.
My life has become one.